Ryan Nay

This summary of personal experience appeared in the Family Fellowship newletter, Reunion, in Winter, 1999.

Ryan Nay

I discovered Evergreen International and Affirmation on the Internet. These two organizations were resources for Mormons struggling with homosexual feelings. They differed in their missions and had opposite goals. Evergreen supports the Church’s position about homosexuality being unnatural, and strives to help people become straight through a process called reparative therapy. Affirmation affirms that homosexuality can be something positive, and helps people accept their orientation as part of their life. My understanding of the gospel at the time told me to reject Affirmation, leave my current boyfriend and embrace Evergreen.

Because of my location, I could not attend Evergreen meetings on a regular basis, so I started reading the books on reparative therapy that Evergreen sent me. Reparative therapy’s basic philosophy is that homosexuality developed out of same-gender emotional needs that were not fulfilled in our youth. Those emotional needs could have developed from negative relationships with our same-sex parent or peers. The underlying idea was that these same-sex emotional needs were eroticized during puberty. Reparative therapy also notes that a person’s homosexual drive is strong, and will never go away until their same-sex emotional needs are fulfilled.

The therapeutic approach was to develop non-sexual same-sex relationships to affirm our masculinity. By doing this, and by having faith in the Lord, Evergreen taught that a person could fulfill their needs and make a healthy transition to heterosexuality. The causes outlined in reparative therapy seemed to fit my background, so I tried to believe their therapeutic approach would also work with me.

What I soon realized was that I had already developed meaningful non-sexual relationships with many guys, and currently had a healthy relationship with my dad. I also had a rock-solid faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Yet I still had intense homosexual feelings. Ironically, I did not gain a healthy affirmation of my masculinity until I accepted myself as a homosexual. Many positive things happened during this time. I learned how to talk about my homosexual feelings with others, and I eventually told my parents about my struggles. It was difficult for them, but they supported me in my endeavors. After almost four years in the Army, I finally realized that my homosexual feelings were not going to go away. I accepted the fact that I was gay. Essentially, Evergreen helped me to come out.