I went to my bishop to see if there was anything I could do to not be gay anymore and if he could help me.  I asked him if I would be excommunicated from the church.  He said no, if I had not fornicated very much, and I would need to see church counseling.  So he sent me to LDS Social 
Services in Cedar City.   I called them to make a appointment to see a counselor there and the receptionist transferred me to a counselor.  I talked to him and told him a little bit about my problem.  He said he could help but that I would probably be better off to call Evergreen and see if they could help me first.   He gave me a phone number to an office in Salt Lake City, I think. I called and talked to the secretary and told him I needed to talk to a counselor about my sexual preference.  He transferred me to a lady who told me that they could help me but I would have to come to Ogden and that I would have to be very discreet about this and not to talk about this with anyone, even my bishop.  She said it would cost me 200 dollars out of pocket and the rest would be taken care of.  She told me this treatment was in an experimental stage and they were not sure if it would work or not but it looked like it might be a winner and the counselors there felt it would work! She told me to get on the bus and go to Ogden.   Of course this I would have to pay for but that there would be someone there to pick me up, and to let her know what I was wearing.   This was Friday and I was to get on the bus Monday.

On Monday I got on the bus and went to Ogden as I was told to do. I was scared and didn't know what they were going to do with me but I was told that I would be in the care of the facility for a week to a month and to bring a change of clothes for when I got out.  When I got there I was picked up by a guy with a mustache and sunglasses.  His hair was a blondish red.  I got in the van along with another guy and we were told not to talk with each other that this could affect the treatment! We went for a while; it seemed like hours but I was sure we were still in Ogden!  We got to a clinic.  It looked like an old doctor's office that had been made into a clinic.  As I entered 
the door I noticed that the door had Evergreen on the glass.  As I went in I was given papers to sign stating that this had in no way connections with the church and I was here on my own free will and that if I avoided confidentiality I could be excommunicated!

     After I signed the papers they took me to my room and made me dress down in a hospital gown.  I took my clothes and put them in the closet they had there!  I sat there and watched TV for a hour or so and then they came and got me and explained what they were going to do.  I was scared but they told me it was the crucial part of my therapy!  The first day they sat me down and 
put me in a straitjacket and then sat me in an adjustable chair-bed thing. They put what looked like a blood pressure cuff, a small one, on my penis.  The first day they put it on but didn't hook it up.  They had a machine that looked like an oxygen tank.  They hooked tubing up to my nose and secured it around my ears. Then they started to play porno flicks on a big TV and made me watch it.  Every so often the machine would beep and ammonia was sprayed into my nose.  It stung and burned so bad and made me sneeze something horrible and gave me a headache. The next 4 days for 1 hour  they hooked the cords from the thing on my penis into the machine and it would only spray the ammonia in my nose when I started to get an erection.

There were 2 men and 2 ladies there.  I know the men were counselors and one of the ladies was a nurse but I didn't know much about the first one. As far as names go they keep changing them every day so I didn't know what their real names were.  I was asked to give a name that wasn't my real one when I went in as well so I used the name Mike Summers.  After the treatment was over and the other guys were done with theirs they would make us all meet in a room to have group sessions.  They would tell us that it was wrong to be gay and that it was an abomination to god.  Sometimes one of the guys would get so mad about it he would scream, and say that no one is born gay, that gays are faggots and god would not create faggots. That Saturday I wanted out; I could not handle it anymore.  When I went to leave and told them I wanted to sign out, that I had been there my week, they told me if I left I could suffer the consequences of excommunication! At that point I told them I didn't care if they excommunicated me or not, I was not going to go through this anymore!  The same guy that drove me to the clinic took me back to the bus station and from there I went back to were I am from.

I now have a hard time because of this.   I have constant nightmares, anger, hurt feelings,  anxiety and depression.   I am on Prozac and Wellbutrin, just to deal with my depression. 

I live each day wanting to die and kill myself because I am too afraid to go on in life being gay, and I feel like God is punishing me, for reasons I don't know!